viernes, 9 de diciembre de 2011

2nd Depression, School

This is the second cause of depression in my life and one that haunts me even to this day, something that affected my life in a very radical way and changed a lot for worse, this destroyed my dreams and my future.

Let me start by saying this, around this time i was still suffering by my first cause of depression, so added with this new depression and is related with what im going to say in this entry.

I was always a kid that felt bored in school, not because iw as a bad student but i lacked motivation, school was easy... too easy. I had the best grades even after i skipped a lot of classes till 4th grade in primary school.

That year in 4th grade i found a motivation, Mi teacher. A women i do admire and respect a lot, like a mother. She was smart and knew sow ell how to motivate students, even the bad students became good with her. Her son was around my age and was my bench partner in the same classroom, we did become good friends fast.

Even since i was younger my health wasnt exactly the best, specially tummy and headaches, so often iw asnt able to go out of the classroom to play out in the sun with my classmates. Back then my teacher allowed me to stay in the classroom with her, so we talked a lot, i also helped her to check and give grades to my classmates.

With her i found soemthing new to me, something i never had with any of my relatives Support and encouragement. My grandma was there for me, but the rest of my relatives never valued or encouraged me to reach new heights i was more than cabable to reach, was always an extranger to their eyes, like if they was worth more than me for living in a luxury house or because they went to paid colleges and not a public school like me.

My teacher saw that potentialin me, she encouraged me! i keep a special place for her on my heart, and you may ask, what this has to do with your depression? im heading there, hold on...

When we was about to start the 5th grade, she was happy giving us the news, she was going to stay with our class that year, we was happy, we loved her and that was fantastic to hear. But the head of the school decided to send her to 2nd grade and we got a new teacher.

The new teacher... that women destroyed my life. But was not only her, also 3 new students did a transfer from another school, and along with the teacher they made me live in hell for 2 months.

First, she barely teached us shit, she used tot ell us to open our books, to do from page x to page y and she ehaded out of school, not classroom, she literally left the school for hours, and when she returned she asked us to trade books with our bench partner so we could grade each other... always, she never graded our work nor our homework, we students did it all, that was... lame.

One of those days, iw as feeling sick and didnt feel like going out, and jsut liek i asked my old teacher to stay and rest while i felt better, she agreed and said i could stay. I did lay my head on my bench/table thingy as my head was hurting so much. The ehad of the school did enter the classrom and my teacher yells at me "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! GO OUT TO PLAY!" i was a bit scared and i did went out, as i went down the stairs i was able to find a litle spot behind the building with a bit of shadow, there i was siting vs the wall with my eyes clsoed trying to rest for the headache. There was not many treesor palces to get shadow in that school, schools here sucks arse!

Wait, worse is coming, the new students, was expeled from other schools, one of them, a bully, was 4 years older than me, so you can iamgine he was taller, stronger and a bit stupid.

Every morning the only bench left, was that one in front of that stupid kid, i had to sit there every morning, even after i rushed to the school to try to grab a different bench i couldnt, school was far from my house and never made it on time.

This stupid asshole, he used to grab a sharpener, and a pencil, he sharpened the pencil soo much, i am sure you know what im talking about right? that pensil ended in my butt every day of school for 2 months. I told him "stop, please stop, no more, stop doing it!" but he never stoped.

One day, ym grandma went to school to give me my lunch, in mexico is common for mothers to go during class break and give kid their lunch (we dont have the culture to take lunch boxes here) so... i told her, how that kid was doing that to me, BIG MISTAKE... he noticed i did, and a bit after his 2 friends take me to the bathroom, there they was holding my arms while the big guy was using my stomach as a boxing sack.

While he was doing that, he warned me not to say anything or thing was going to get worse, i was very scared, why you ask? we did learn why he was expelled from his old school, he did a wrestling move on a kid, breaking his leg.

That was my life for 2 months, pencils on my butt2 or 3 times during class, a visit to the bathroom on class break being a boxing sack, and wasnt able to fight back, was 3 donkeys against me! One day i couldnt stand it anymore and iw as decided to ask for help, i raised my arm and as the teacher looked at me she yelled at me "WHAT?! YOU ARE ALWAYS GIVING CAUSING PROBLEMS!!" i was shocked, scared and couldnt speak, i muted there unable to say anything.

As she ignored me after that... pencil to the butt, again. I was reaching my limit, and no1 to ask for help, punches and all the abuse day after day for 2 motnhs, i thought iw as going nuts, my head was about to explode.

There was good news, school was going to take pics of the class, so you know, you grab your best rags, and think yay pictures! i was happy as i was going to have a pic with 2 of my best friends thatw as also my classmates.

Having a picture with my best friend could have been something i could look at and rememebr good times, something to treasure all my life. Oh but that fucking witch, that teacher took that away from me too.

The way the photographers was doing it was by having 2 groups per class, so the guy pick us and put us all in place for the picture, im right NEXT tom my best friends, yay! right after that he is about tot ake the picture and the teacher goes "wait!" agrabs my arm and pull me away "take it!" ok.. WTF?!

I was so surprised, so shoked, i had no idea wtf was going on... next group, she put me in the middle of the guys punching me, DAMNIT FUCKING SHIT MOTHER FUCKING WHORE OMG WHY SHE DID THAT. I did not want to have a picture with the guy abusing of me, wanted to have a pic with my friends, was that to much to ask? really i dont know why she did it.

Class ended that day, i was running all the way back home, get to my room and i just bashed my backpack against the wall a lot of time while i was crying not knowing what else to do.
Then i decided it, was the end, was not going back, was not going back to that hell anymore, couldnt take more of that punishment.

In the next days when my grandma tried to make me go to school and as i refused to go while iw as screaming "I AM NOT GOING, I DONT WANT TO GO, NOT GOING BACK!" she was puzzled, not knowing why iw as doing that. Until i told her everything, thatd ay she went to my school to talk to the teacher and the head of the school.

The fucking whore teacher told the director of the school a lot of lies, saying i was a abd students, with bad grades and always causing problems. She even told the director i used to puke out of anger when she tried to punish me, which was a lie.

My 4th grade teacher was there with my grandma to say i was not a abd student and that i never did anything i was accused of, but there was nothing to do, they never punished the teacher nor did shit to the bully.

The next months i spend very bad and dark days, as i was trying to overcome that terror i had while my grandma was looking for a new school for me, i could not stand when a teacher used to yell to the students giving me panic attacks, even when it was not a yell to me at all, i was just... scared to my wits, and i wasnt able to atend classes anymore.

People can judge and label me as a coward, they can insult me but that dont change the fact i was just a kid needing help, i was suffering depression for a situation out of my control, i was alone and never had any of my relative there to talk to me or to help get thru that.

My relatives in their great stupidity think "he didnt liked school, he didnt wanted to learn" but really, in their amazing arrogance and not knowing shit of anything they dared to jduge me and judge my grandma "oh is because she didnt fought back and didnt nothing to put the teacher in place" BULLCRAP AND MORE BULLCRAP!!! my grandma and my old teacher did all they could, something my relatives never did for me.

How easy was to judge my grandma when none of them was there, none of them ever cared tot alk to me 'hey amrio how are you dbuddy, feeling ok?" every one of my aunts and my uncle, all ignored me. How they dare to say i didnt liked school? i did... they dont know shit. My aunt amparo (mother of all my aunts/uncles) dared to say in front of me i was a corward, and is hould have gone and let them punch me more.

in the end, time after i heard the stupid bully was expelled again, he did break a kid's arm in school, well... that could have been me.

I keep blaming myself for not being strong, but i also know it was beyong my control and i was just a kid, if i had someone to talk and relly on back then things could have been different for me, i was alone, lonely and i sunked into a worse depression the next two years of my life.

1st depression, My Parents

The first cause of depression i managed to identify now that im a grown up and i suffer sicne i was a very small child, my parents. My mother died a bit after she gave birth to me, just enough time to carry me on her arms to tell my grandma the name she wanted for me and died. Only memory i have from her are some pictures. My father, i dont know if he is alive or dead, fearing he would take me away my grandma did hide for a time on my aunt amparo house, so what happened to my father is a mystery for me. Only memory i have are comments my grandma did about him, i feel respect and love for him even when i really dont know him.

He wanted to marry my mom, he loved her and waited my birth with hapiness supporting my mother, i was a desired child and that makes me happy.

Still very young, it was hard to understand that pain i was feeling, i remember how when my grandma picked me from kinder garden i watched my friends and they parents, grabbing their hands while they walked away, i did feel bad for that, was not envy, was sadness that back then i was unable to comprehend.

Being innocent i didnt know what envy was not even the meaning of that, so much sadness, you name it... a park, school or the neighboor it was common for me to ask my grandma why i didnt had parents when i looked at children with their parents. Often ending with her crying, for her my mother's death was something she couldnt speak for so many years.

There was a teacher in kindergarden, she told my grandma how i looked sad when parents was was there with their children, told my grandma to take me to a doctor.
There was a public service with doctors and psycologists, you had to be in their office real early to grab a date, we had to cross half city to get there so we never made it on time, my grandma being irgorant of how much this was affecting me and probably thinking it was nothing she stoped trying. sadly it was and still is.

That huge void that are my parents nothing will fill that void, i adore and love my grandma like if she was my own mother but, even so... she cant fill the void.

Even since i was a child i have a recurrent dream, i am in a shop, it belong to my parents and i am playing with other children that calls me brother. We are happy, i see my mother, i see my father... i run towards my parents to hug them.

To this day i have the dream from time to time, i wake up feeling a great sadness, it's soemthing someone that has the jhoy of having parents cannot understand, only an orphan can.

If i could id like to know what happened to my father, know where is he and if he is still alive, do i have brothers somewhere else? does he think of me? if i had the resources to track him i'd try it, giving my old man a huge while i tell him "i love you dad" is soemthing i wish for since i was a kid. Sadly will never happen.

If you have childrenm support them, encourage them and make them know you lvoe them every day of your life.
You have parents or brothers? go home and really, give them a hug while you can, when they die you will never have the chance, they was for you all your life, let them know you love them.